Kia Sportage car review: ‘It’s trying to look a bit beefier and more SUV-ish than it actually is’
Kia Sportage: ‘It has a park assist system that can get you into anywhere.’
I think the Kia Sportage is best understood channelled through the energy of family resentment. Imagine you have a cousin who has always been better than you at things you pretend not to care about. In adolescence, your parents said: “Why can’t you be more like Steve?” and your tacit response was a direct 50:50 split between:
“Because Steve is a twat” and: “Why couldn’t I have had a manly name like Steve?”
Anyway, fast forward to 2016, and Steve has arrived on your drive with a Kia Sportage. He must be doing OK for himself, you think (it is £31,650 OTR), and yet he is moving in circles where he doesn’t quite feel he belongs. This is a car that’s trying to look a bit beefier, more SUV-ish and ski slope-ready than it actually is. The snout has a curvaceous, American styling but the drive is a little diesel-ey and wheezy, not so much New Hampshire as regular Hampshire. So Steve has a little bit of status anxiety, you think. Maybe later you’ll test him at ping pong.
Steve is proud of his handsome children, and consequently has bought a car with about a million airbags. You suspect his children are better than yours at most things; they probably haven’t even noticed that they have their own USB chargers, they probably spent the journey talking about… geography. Yours are playing Clash of Clans.
Later, you run out of beer and Steve offers to run you to Tesco, because it was you who drank all the beer. You notice that, once the Kia has settled into its speed, it is confident, solid and grippy. He overtakes effortlessly. Hating him, you take a little spin round the car park while he’s shopping. The steering is authoritative, the brakes are sharp. The cabin from the driver’s perspective is neat, blocky, intuitive. The visibility isn’t great because the a-frame is a bit clunky, but there isn’t much to see apart from a trolley shelter.
It has a park assist system that can get you into anywhere. Leather seats aren’t just a waste of cow for people who hate themselves; they also provide superior comfort. The panoramic sunroof gives you a sense of problems lifting. You wonder whether he put his driving gloves on eBay, now that he has a heated steering wheel. He comes back with a load of beer and doesn’t say anything about you driving his car, pissed, around a carpark. Why are you such a jerk, you wonder. The Kia Sportage is a fine car. Steve is OK.
Kia Sportage: in numbers
Price £31,650
Top speed 125mph
Acceleration 0-62 mph in 9.2 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 47.9mpg
CO2 emissions 154g/km
Eco rating 6/10
Cool rating 5/10
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